Colon Blow

Living on a dime is tough man. I went to the organic store to get an onion, and I saw they had a cereal on sale 2 for $5. Cereal is usually around like $5 a box and I thought, "Hey, this is a good deal. It's a puffed cereal like the Kashi kind I like, and looks the same as the Kashi kind I like. And, oh look, the Kashi kind I like is $5.29 a box. I'm sold." First of all, I should know better than to base a taste comparison off a picture on a cardboard box. However, considering this cereal does in fact taste like cardboard, I should have taken my comparison literal. Also, when it says on the box "Still no Sugar!" believe them. They aren't lying. They wouldn't put it on the box if it wasn't true. Oh wait, they did say "Great Taste" so I guess that was a lie. Finally, it's called Simply Fiber. Once again, they weren't kidding because that's all it is: FIBER. Not Simply Flavor, not Simply Sugar, not Simply Healthy - Simply Fiber. Let's just say that is the one thing it is living up to. Actually we should call it Simply Colonic, because that is what it will do to you after one bowl.

I had my second bowl this morning. (Why? Because I'm broke and I can eat it down fast enough with vanilla soy milk to make it manageable) When I poured it into my bowl a piece of cardboard fell in....oh the irony. I almost didn't take it out.

Let's hope the cinnamon kind tastes better. I have $2.50 more of this stuff to force down. Yay recession breakfast!

PS. Please Hulu the SNL Colon Blow commercial. I love Phil Hartman so much and the theme song is ridiculous! You'll just have to sit through the first part. Get it, sit through?! Oy, I need a drink.

Can you define work-out?

Tonight I was supposed to go to the gym and work-out after rehearsal. I packed spandex in my purse and everything. Instead I walked to 7-11 and drank half a slurpee as my "work-out". While I was debating which flavor of slurpee to get I realized a few things:

1. Drinking a slurpee from 7-11 is kinda like making out with someone you meet on 18th street: you only want to do it when no-one else is looking, it's kinda messy, and there is definitely some nasty back-wash up in there. (How often do you think they clean those machines out? There was a reason why I only drank half of it.) But somehow it still feels good.

2. There are three kinds of people who frequent the 7-11 after 10pm: cops, people looking for snacks, and generally scary people. With all the cops you'd think the scary people would be scared away, but I guess they cannot be detered. I have seen more dudes over the age of 50 with no shirts on hanging out by the 7-11 trash can.

3. Don't eat the meat. If drinking a slurpee is the equivilant of making out with a sketchball, then do I need to explain what eating the hot-dog is like? The dude in front of me in line asked for two hot-dogs, no buns. I don't know what kind of game he was trying to run, but you don't really customize your orders at 7-11. This isn't a freaking Cosi. You take the meat in the buns, no questions asked, no exceptions.

I guess that's it really. I thought I had realized more things.

No Excuses!

I just hired a maid. Technically two maids because they come in pairs, like breasts or ho-hos. I'm hoping people view this as a status symbol and not as a symbol that I'm really fucking lazy.

Spring Fling

Last night was supposed to be epic, hearkening back to the days of yore when going to a club actually sounded like a good idea. When you would get all slutted up and cause a scene and get absolutely shit-canned. When you didn't care if your feet were bleeding because your shoes were fierce! When your hair got ruined as you busted some stellar moves on the dance floor. When you made several bad decisions in a two hour time-frame. Last night was supposed to be EPIC. Last night, we went to bar above a Chipotle. Does that sound like a good idea to you? Although all of things mentioned above are kinda horrible in their own right, NONE of them happened, and the night BLEW CHUNKS. At least if I blew chunks I would have some funny story to tell here now. But I can't say it was a total loss....one of my roommate's friends stripped herself of her belt and gave it to me to wear on Conn Ave, my BF looked smokin hot, and I realized that the 7-11 on Maryland Ave smells like ass at 1am. Fashionable, hot, and informative. Just what I want on a Friday night.

Reason number 587 why I don't have a car

I parked in handicapped parking spot today and didn't even realize it. This meant that I parked the vehicle, walked over to pay the meter, put the little "I paid the meter slip" thingy back in the car, and walked away dicking over handicapped people on that block from exactly 2:50-3:00pm EST. I felt like a giant A-Hole especially because I was getting coffee so I looked like one of those "Oh, I'll just be a minute because I'm running in to get coffee so it's fine if I park in this spot" A-Holes. I felt so bad, I apologized to an old man in a mini-van across the street. I needed to say sorry to somebody!

Anti-Flag

This year for her birthday my mother told me exactly what she wanted. In past years she has responded with the typical "Oh, I don't know, I don't need anything, I'm a mother, I have guilt when you buy me gifts, etc, etc." Since I have gotten the typical mother response, I have sent the typical gift when a special lady in your life will not give up what she wants - flowers.

However, this year she said that she wanted a spring/summer flag for the house. So, I was like OK, I can do this. Then she added,

"Also, don't get me a flag with a bear on a chaise lounge, drinking a beer."

"..."

Ok Mom.....Wasn't sure if I should be insulted by that comment which implies I have no taste or THRILLED the pressure was off to not get one very specific kind of flag (which doens't actually exist). I mean what's not love about bears, beer, or chaise lounges? Especially when the magic of all three can be combined on a flag which can proudly be waived in front of your home! Basically her comment sparked a 15 year old desire in me to do exactly what she told me not to. Therefore, I immediately started searching for the most random flags in America. I found these but let me say I spent A LOT of time looking for flags and it was not easy. Most flags are pretty uggs but these were some favs of mine:

This basically sums my family up....


This one is called Kitten Mischief!! Also known as Crazy Cat Lady Part Duex.



This might be a close second to the bear drinking on the chaise lounge...

Ok this + image below equals my Mom's worst nightmare (on a flag). I think it equals an AWESOME and rare BEACH PARTY (on a flag).

Scene from an inspirational movie

I ran in the metro today. I was wearing galoshes and carrying a laptop bag, a gym bag, and a bag of salads whilst holding a golf umbrella. I think I had like 40 pounds of urban gear strapped to my body. Not only did I like assault 10 people on the way to the train but I think I almost died in the process. But right behind me as I hobbled with all my might to the Red Line train to Glenmont was a black woman yelling "Run girl! Keep on running!" And I did keep on running, until I collapsed on board confirming to the Asian tourists next to me that American's are the fattest people in the world. It was a very diverse evening.

Did I mention that my pants were falling down during this run? I couldn't decide which revealed the worse character trait - the fact I would rather run and look like a fool than wait 10 minutes for the next train or that I was too lazy to pull my pants up as I was running and they were falling down. Maybe that's why that lady was encouraging me to keep going - free peep show. Hey lady, I got news for you CRACK KILLS.

In other news, I called my Mom to tell her about the life insurance policy I bought. While I was explaining the policy my Mother interrupted me and said she had to call my sister, in the middle of our conversation. So I said, "Ok Mom but you can't have any of my death money now."